Landlubber’s Lies vs. Sailor’s Yarns
by Pat Byrnes
Sailors have been known to tell a tale or two, and racers are notorious for bluffing competitors on the race course and bragging about their accomplishments, but at least they don’t carry on like landlubbers. To help you tell the difference, here are landlubber’s frequent lies, followed by some “sailorly stretches”.
Landlubbers:
The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from the government, and I’m here to help you.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Drinking? Why, no, Ossifer.
I never watch television except for PBS.
...but we can still be good friends.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I've never done anything like this before.
...then take a left. You can't miss it.
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Sailorly Stretches:
This boat was never raced except on Sundays by a little old lady from Pasadena.
The diesel had a complete, professional overhaul.
Sure these fish are under the limit.
Our varnish will keep your toerails and handrails looking great for six years! (Warranty applicable only to boats sailed in underground caverns.)
We always washed, dried, rolled, and stowed the sails.
The trailer’s never been in salt water.
This boat’s a creampuff; of course you don’t need to bother with a survey.
Rebuilding the head is actually much more pleasant than you'd expect.
Our team has never fouled another boat.
All the electronics check out fine.
This boat has a large, palatial head that's just like the bathroom at home.
This trailer will never give you trouble on the road.
This manufacturer’s hulls never have blister problems.
You don't need to waste money on a pre-filter for diesel fuel.
Sure, you can strip the old paint, re-fair and prep the hull, and slap the new paint on in two to three hours, tops.
Don’t worry, this weekend’s winds are forecast to be steady, moderate breezes.
We’re the crew who are always reliable and on time.
My crew have never had reason to complain.
These foulies keep 100% of the water out under all conditions.
Really, the boom is perfectly safe and not to be worried about.
I would never barge in on the start line or try to bluff a competitor.
The A fleet boats are never over the line early.
We always sail our proper course.
With two weeks of practice, I can beat anybody in your club and have time to drink a pitcher of beer and piss before you ever get near the finish line.
Don’t worry, the grounding system in this marina is perfectly safe.
I never shout at my crew. (But bellowing, shrieking, and cussing...)
Just let me crew and of course I'll be early at the dock.
Water never ever penetrated the deck into the core.
Do what I say, because it only took a few days for my Olympic champion coaches to make me into a world-class competitor at Bayworld.
Nope, I’ve never run into a dock. (But the pier is another matter.)
Sure, I’ll remember to get some good beer. Is Lite okay?
It’ll only take you a few hours to fix everything.
We'll have your boat parts by noon tomorrow.
I know every sandbar and reef in this bay; of course I’ve never run aground.
(It was the boat that did it). (Hey, here's another one of those reefs!)